Epiphanies

Facebook memories is getting immense attention from me right now, because what else do I have to keep me occupied anyway. I open the notification in the hopes of being transported into those days of innocence and joyful abandon. Instead, I am constantly horrified and kinda resort to reading my posts through my hands covering my face. I was a terribly non-woke (asleep?) teen who said all cringey things possible. It got me thinking about things I've learned should never be said, perspectives that required to be changed and challenged, and things or people or activities I had to give up, because I realized that somewhere inside me there does lie some sort of a decent human being? So from 2010 to 2020, here are 10 things I learned, unlearned, stopped/started saying/doing/indulging in:

1) Learnt that calling something or someone gay is not a freaking insult! This should've been instinctive, but wasn't, and leads to me staring in horror at things I've said. 

2) Calling someone a retard is (a) not an insult, (b) not to be substituted for asking them politely why they couldn't comprehend something. Again, you'd think it was instinctive, but it wasn't. 

3) Slut, prostitute are not insults. One is a character judgment based on hypocrisy, and the other one is honest manual labour. Neither are terms that I should use to debase someone. Well nip the thought process in the bud if I consider insulting them via their choice of sexual partners or line of work, anyway. 

4) All of the above are terms that were frequent residents of my vocabulary due to years of conditioning, and the pop culture that I consumed. Here's the dilemma though - by 2010 I was already reading Rushdie, I thought saying sexy out loud was a crime, but didn't hesitate to call someone gay for taking something too seriously. I'm not about to breakdown the mess that would've been the thought process behind that. I'd rather chalk it up to being an idiot teenager. 

5) My knight in shining armour should not be stalking me, forcing me to respond to their affections, or getting into self-made tight spots that he later rescues me from. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME! That should be the freaking genre of all of our cutesy cheesy romantic Hindi, Tamil, and Malayalam movies that I grew up on. If someone successfully argued in an actual court of law that he should not be found guilty of stalking because this is a part of his culture,  you know its time to restructure this bish. Also my knight can and should be a female (Dame), if that's what I'd like. 

6) Madonna and the whore trope. Your bitchy villainous female characters are all the ones that wear non-sanskaari clothes, will likely speak in good English, will sport characteristics that make them independent, and then also up and do the weirdest vilest things possible. A mark of a girl having softened is also the change in her sartorial choices, and when she becomes more adept at her native tongue. Dude c'mon! (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is a cult classic, and I will forever love the movie no matter how much it sucks, don't fight me on this!)

7) The concept of family. A part of having a predominantly Asian upbringing is that we assume the presence of a father and a mother. We were never used to our friends talking about step-parents or step-siblings or having single parents (by choice or because a parent had passed away). I still put my foot in my mouth every now and then, when I absent-mindedly assume the presence of two alive and connected parents and make situations very very awkward for everyone involved. As someone who will definitely give out details of my dog when someone asks me about my kid, I should be better at handling this!

8) Crying in public is for kids/ Don't cause scenes! Most of us keep our emotions in check, depending on our surroundings. This is a necessary skill, true. This doesn't mean that the darkness of your room is the only place to express your emotions! Crying doesn't make you weak, crying doesn't make you hysterical, crying doesn't make your stand any less worthy, crying also doesn't absolve you of anything. It took a lot of unlearning and relearning to grasp this concept. To know that it is okay to cry, and to not cry. 

9) Not every argument needs to be fought. As a debater, and as someone with very loud opinions that I insisted be statistically and factually backed, I had, and still have, a hard time stopping myself from seeing every argument to the end. The emotional toll an argument has on someone goes unnoticed in my effort to get the facts right. I now know that my academic or general interest should not negate their lived experience or the trauma someone was dealt. Sometimes, I just have to be human. And be there. I'm working on it. 

10) Drumroll? Grey area. Not the BDSM kind, shutup!! Is it just me, or did you also grow up assuming that someone couldn't have attributes that are widely considered opposites of each other? For example, I wouldn't expect a soft spoken debater, a weight lifting chess champion, a shy drummer (don't ask!), very naive notions, in hindsight, yes. I have realized that everybody is a smorgasbord of 'opposites'. There's good and bad and loud and quiet and strong and weak and soft and brave and smart and stupid and dainty and clumsy and bored and enthusiastic and wordy and speechless and nerdy and street smart inside us. We are all a curious bundle that gets curiouser and curiouser, and I am learning to appreciate my journey down the rabbit hole with all of the ones I call my own. 

After procrastinating for over a week, I've managed to get to the end of this list of epiphanies which should've just been good sense! 

Here's sending you strength and virtual booze and air kisses to get you through! 

See you on the other side of 2020!