insomnia induced rant (part 2/n)!

I really did want at least one post to not be marveling at the horrors that 2020 is unleashing on us. A friend texted me after a while the other day (not sure about measures of time anymore since I can't even be trusted to know which day of the week it is), and I suddenly remembered that he was stricken by an additional calamity, and honestly excused myself saying I can't keep track of what fresh horror is hitting whom anymore, its a miracle that we haven't exploded into dust, thanks to 2020. 

Well, you could chalk this post to yet another response to a brand new variation of a time-honored tradition. Once I took a break from playing ludo/scrolling through memes/crying and laughing at the same time about how my work shoes miss me, I was privy to a few unsavory memes about including a mongoose alongside someone's daughter's dowry and attempted to find out what that was all about. Well, I sure wish I hadn't. A guy killed his wife by exposing her to snake bites twice. This because she refused to give in to the demands of more dowry, I am led to believe. I am going to refrain from commenting because my heart and head will explode from the effort. I hope her parents find a way to come to terms with life. 

Discovering this event led to me reading a lot of comments that frankly made me want to throw up, but also brought back a million conversations I've had with imposing uncles and aunties, and the spectacular double standards with which some of us are treated. This might also have been triggered by the 'kulasthree' videos originating from the abomination called 'annie's kitchen'. 

Marriage is a sacred custom, a sacred space, a sacred tradition, a bond, a promise, a lifelong commitment, a companion, and everything. Agreed. In my very honest opinion, though, we as a society, put too much faith in the goodness of human beings, for marriages to truly be what it is expected to be. Like democracy, and communism. All the most wonderful concepts, but places too much faith in human beings. 

I am not about to get into just how much we know personally people mess up, when it comes to remaining faithful. Just how blurry the lines get, with circumstances and time, how 'forgiveness' becomes a very important concept, or how people remain tied up due to societal pressure, or for their kids, or because its an expensive affair, or because they've spent a good part of their lives with them, or because the love is still there or because staying in the marriage is easier, or because we do really need a companion to get through life, or just because.

I am not here to question anybody's decision to get married or stay in a marriage. I'm here to ask a few questions of those who make interesting assumptions about me when I refuse to get married. 

I have values and traditions that I hold closer than life, and will never break. The lack of faith I have in myself, makes me stray away from situations that might make me abandon these values, I hold them so close, I don't want to test my resolve. 

Lying in a relationship, cheating in a relationship, holding onto a person when the emotion runs out, making sacrifices and compromises I will later return to blame the person for, misandry, toxic anything, and pretending about a million things that stop me from being who I am, and from them being who they are - all things I won't accept. Don't @ me with when in love or you've to learn to adjust. I adjust, and I understand love. Hell I am still trying to convince my friend that in the Cartesian plane of emotions, love falls on the upper right quadrant. I also know that when the honeymoon phase is done,  I'll get bitch slapped by life. Before you run at me with you won't know unless you experience it, or there's nothing like having a companion, think about what I am saying. I wouldn't stick my neck out for marriage, because I don't want to be the one hurting the other person, I don't want to take something lovely, and slowly watch it turn ugly or run-of-the-mill. I don't want to lie or cheat or hide or not take a job in a far-off continent and watch them deal with the debris of our relationship. 

Now, for all those of you who have very colorful thoughts about my relationships, and, shall we say dalliances?, once you understand where I come from, even if you don't agree with me, I hope you'll understand that this means that I hold all those values you incorporate into marriage closer than you think I do. That I respect the people in the institution, their attempt at going through life, their success at it, and everything about it, more than most people. Not wanting to get married, doesn't take away a particular category of morality away from me. It doesn't mean that I don't respect families, or that family doesn't mean squat to me. I don't think this union should be a rite of passage. I won't do it because I'm expected to. And then stay in it because I'm expected to. I won't let you subject me to peer pressure from our ancestors. My values are what makes me hesitate, not my lack of them. Here's an easier way out - don't judge/hate/assume before you attempt to understand.

Capisce? 

Sedate in the knowledge that my parents and other near and dear ones are going to read this post, and, um, have things to say about it, here's me gearing up to respond to at least 20 concerned people saying, "ofcourse not! just trying to find a suitable guy! I was bored, so I turned to my blog, that's all!"

See you guys on the other side of 2020!

Soliloquy

For the longest time, I've attempted to write fiction, only to fail miserably. This has resulted in a number of terrible jokes in the life-is-stranger-than-fiction genre.

Let me try and break this down - 

I could imagine a storyline, characters in it, a narrative, a geographical or sociopolitical setting, a theme, and more. 

I begin writing, somewhere down the line, I am engulfed by the feeling that I am not doing complete justice to all the characters. Their reactions are not fleshed out, they are merely responding. People don't just respond, all their reactions are the end result of a myriad of factors. I can't get over the fact that I'm now attempting to speak for people I don't fully know. 

When you are done rolling your eyes at me, I haven't missed the irony. I created them, but then they got too real for me too quickly. 

I drop their story like a hot potato. 

This is the general timeline of me having a go at fiction. 

Not to use the term 'phobia' lightly, but commitment hasn't always been my strongest suit when it comes to people. I am shoddy at keeping in touch, I run out of people's personal matters the moment I spot an exit, I tend to not divulge too many details about myself, and I hit backspace about four times right now because I wasn't comfortable putting these details down on my blog. 

I am beginning to comprehend that this tendency may be what hinders me from being able to write fiction. 

Postgrad in English Studies, worked/works in the media, writes content and edits magazines for a living, have published in online and print magazines, you get the idea, writing is my line of work. 

Yet, my fear of getting too involved with human beings is so monumental, that I'm willing to give up on a necessary skill. Maybe I should attempt writing about dogs or cyborgs? 

Intimate terrorism

As the world allover we romanticize spending more time with our families, getting to truly know and understand each other, bonding through activities, etc., a massive section of society who do not have the luxury to count their homes as safe spaces are being placed under duress by the necessary and continuing lockdown. Globally, all helpline numbers, child protective services, women protective services, and all legal and social help centers have had the biggest surge in calls and cases in the recent past. 

Domestic abuse and child abuse are at an all-time high, defiantly eviscerating our collective tendency to idealize the concepts of family and home. 

In an almost dystopian situation where mankind is attempting to fight an unseen enemy by being made to stay indoors and away from fellow beings, there is a litany of frustrations that are crippling our psyche and our ability to function 'correctly' or 'normally'. 

There is a massive amount of burden on homemakers and working mothers to be high-functioning, because everybody at home constantly means constant attention, and duties to fulfill. Since domestic help is a risky route to take, traditional gender roles are putting a lot of stress on women to over-perform, while they themselves are undergoing the frustrations of a lockdown.

Redressal methods are hard to carry out since at this point the victim is pretty much stuck with their abuser 24/7 and fear extreme repercussions to reporting an already extreme situation. Stereotypical ideologies resurfacing along with bruised egos owing to the current work environment have resulted in a lot of men taking out their frustrations on their children and the women of the household. 

In a community where women are workhorses, sources of pleasure, and an outlet of all anguish rolled into one, these helpless women are stuck inside the four walls that were already the source of their nightmare, or have become so, right now. They are weighed down by the centuries-old expectation to be the one that placates that nurses that heals, and society's indoctrination that they are second in position to their husbands, and a lot of the times sheer physical inability to strike back. 

Before we began featuring in the latest version of apocalypse now, most cries for social and moral equality were direly overlooked or shutdown as overreactions because we as a community have become good at paying lip service to be liberal. I have always personally believed that our milieu plays a big role in defining who we are, as a person. When forcefully shut inside four walls, when everything is a big question mark, when I don't know what will happen to my savings, if I'll be employed when this is done, I need to understand that raising my hand against another person, or raising my voice against them because I have been granted the authority to do so, is not an option. It is not something I should merely refrain from doing, it is something I shouldn't factor in as even a dimly possible option. 

'Intimate terrorism' is a term I came across post lockdown, and the accounts of women and children and men are truly horrifying. With the concerned law and order having to deal with a worldwide pandemic, humanity is taking menacing steps backward in the progress we made at rote-learning that every human being deserves dignity of existence. 

While we joke about parents who pulled fire alarms in their buildings simply to get a glimpse of someone who is not their perceivably exhausting toddler, we must also be aware of the fact that a lot of others are taking that frustration out on the helpless. 

I peruse lockdown memes because it is some version of 'misery loves company', but I do that in the confines of the four walls that will always be my safe haven. I wish these reports of domestic and child abuse cases wouldn't be a part of our arguments whenever we next argue policy, but they will be, because in so many households, in strata of society, in communities, in mentalities, physical and mental abuse is still a part of life. 

Life in the time of corona?

The title is fairly clichéd more than 7 months into a pandemic, with meme kings and queens reigning supreme. 

Also, my previous post was in August 2016, so here's to partial lockdown for bringing me back?

Life is a big 'embrace yourself', 'learn something new', video call all the human beings you've ever known, cooking experiments, gardening, DIY everything, and dusting off all the tricks in your bag that you may have forgotten existed. 

I am more fortunate than most, right now. I live with and near my loved ones, nobody I know has tested positive yet, I can still move around to breathe a little bit, and thankfully the country I call home looks like they can handle this without too many casualties. Every day I spend a lot of time counting my lucky stars (no, not out of boredom!), that my biggest problem is that I don't have much to keep me occupied. 

Having had ample time to think long and hard about pretty much everything, I was particularly enamored by the idea of 'plans'. In the rat race that was life till about November 2019, people had, or were expected to have, their lives planned. Next step in education, in your career, in your personal life, in investments, in everything! Complex calculations predicted a certain level that you were expected to achieve, and further calculations ascertained the level your dreams should be at. As we leveled up or down on the neverending highway to certain death, society got to sit around and watch us break a sweat or breeze through, and annotate our lives with their helpful (?) comments. 

All of this might not have changed for a lot of people. Yet surely there is a big community of people who are presently looking into a blank void, attempting to comprehend the murkiness of what lay ahead of them. What will the world look like, if and when this is done? When do I go back to 'normalcy'? Is my job still going to be there at the end of this? How do I explain a suspicious lack of productivity on my college application? 

Though I'm yet to make a judgment call on whether this is amusing or bemusing, a vast majority of us are so ingrained to never letting up in life (out of necessity or habit or sheer force of will), that we are beginning to openly talk about mental health issues that are coming out of not having much to do! We are living during a time when Kim Jong Un (remember the other spoilt kid with nuclear codes?) is Schrodinger's Kim Jong Un (I don't think the moon landing was a hoax, but c'mon, botched heart surgery?)! And yet. Oh yeah, always that 'and yet'. In my head, like a constantly running program (broken radio, to be en pointe), there is a myriad of permutations and combinations attempting to rererererestructure 'life'? 

I have spent months together wishing that I could spend one more minute just sitting down quietly. Well, I got my wish, didn't I? I complained about a Netflix account that was going to waste because I simply didn't have the time to watch anything. I think I might have exhausted the cornucopia that is Netflix. I complained about not getting enough time to reorganize my room or take a long shower or take long walks or laze around or sleep in. Well, what do you know, all of those wishes have come true! 

In a month, I'll turn 27. I got a driving license four days ago, something I had given up after September 2018! All the various sources of corona news and news alerts parade a world that is spinning out of control, while some of us are sitting in our houses, trying to deal with unnecessary tribulations thrown at us, courtesy existential crises and nihilist tendencies brought about by the pandemic. Do people around me suddenly think getting married is a good idea, though I am sure all divorce attorneys around the globe are going to have sprawling beach houses at the end of this? Do they want me to rethink my child-rearing prospects and policies though with every alternate breath they count themselves blessed to not be locked in with kids? As the general human population is truly realizing that it may not be the best idea to spend too much time even with the people you love the most, are people still reminding me that I may have crossed the 'best before' date? Maybe. 

While basking in the nihilistic aura caused by a legion of philosophy and philosophy-adjacent classes, I did genuinely assume that if something life-changing occurred, our markers of success and achievement would change. Like life after the Industrial Revolution. Or the baby boomer culture. We are in the biggest worldwide crisis humanity has faced in recent times, with an end to it only in farsight, and we have still refused to let go of the parameters that needed to be met in order to achieve what is socially and morally accepted as the 'good life'. Or is this some warped manifestation of Sartre saying 'life begins on the other side of despair'? Is holding onto a false semblance of normalcy, is making plans for when we come out on the other side of this, the only way to keep hope alive? 

Well, then colour me hopeful too.

I'll see you on the other side of this pandemic, readers! 

Adulting!

Sitting on a mattress that's been abandoned on the floor, still drying my hands from the dishes I just did, sighing with relief at the a/c stabilizer which I just got fixed, using my very own wifi connection, I am back, to scribble in here, after more than a year. Like pretty much most times, I'm here to crib/contemplate/impart gyaan , about the latest phase I have been ruthlessly thrown into. Adulting. 

Yeah, I'm 23, a lot of people are getting married around me, people are couple of years into their work life, some have chosen to prolong getting out of academic atmospheres, some are trying to fathom what to do. I belong to a bunch of these categories, and more. Right now, though, I am learning to run a house. 

Do you know the number of things that involves? Our parents make it look so easy! Let's begin from keeping an eye on the water level in your bubble top, remembering to pay oh so many bills, to the most tedious job of all - cooking and cleaning. I'll get to that last bit of horror in a short while. You start looking out for the vegetable vendor who walks past your street screaming out his wares, because supermarkets don't sell curry leaves. You worship the guy who brings your refill water bubble, and the akka who has the ironing stand in the street nearby. You have to remember the expiry date of the milk, you need to remember to shut everything you opened, and only you are in charge of maintaining the whole place in a live-able manner. 

Oh! sweeping. and mopping. and cleaning drains! Ooh the lovely chore of cleaning up the washrooms! No no. I am not done, I could actually go on and on for three days, and I still wouldn't have finished listing out everything! That's when there are so many more things that I haven't recognized as things I need to do. 

I've always questioned us evolving into a species that required food so often. Having to buy groceries while handling this mental grid in my head, and then going through the tedious process of cooking, which is followed by the briefly pleasant period of eating, and then the never ending period of cleaning up after yourself, has only escalated my confusion. I have a new found respect for my mom. Seriously. Who wants to do this three times a day?! Everyday?! 

Let's get into the myriad of rules that surrounds cooking. A show of hands of people who knew these things:

(i) If your cookware isn't non-stick, food will literally stick to the bottom of the pan.

(ii) the difference between a saucepan and anything else that's not a frying pan or a tava. 

(iii) you don't add masala to the oil directly.

(iv) if curd boils, it'll separate and look like someone threw up.

(v) oil can just start spluttering. for no reason. or maybe it is avenging a previous injustice? 

(vi) you use only wooden spoons and things on non-stick pans.

(vii) the disaster that you create when you mix up dhaniya and methi is...nope. no. I can't. I'm not ready to talk about it just yet.

Go ahead and laugh at me all you want, because these things sound so simple. But when you start doing this business for yourself, and get even one of these messed up because it slipped your mind or you didn't know, I'll wait on this side for you with tissues. 

I swore I wouldn't rant. I swear I swore I wouldn't rant. 

Also, also, no please, just hear me out, your head will primarily be occupied by a supermarket-list. Most of your conversations will surround cooking and cleaning and eating and washing. There was this second when I noticed that, and I hyperventilated. I cold've gone running back to my parents' house, if it weren't so expensive an affair. And hey! nobody gets to judge people going back to live in their parents house, or never leaving their parents' basements, okay? No. I so freaking completely understand. 

I started this blog, when I freaked about being grown up and having to live in a hostel. And here I am today, wondering about what I should do with the extra tomatoes and chillies I have.  

I learnt some more things in the past one week. The gossip-py paatti next door may bore you to death or eat up your time with the minute details she goes into, when passing by your open window, but she will always equally meticulously guide you through things you have no idea how to do. When you are all by yourself in a house, and you are standing at the door, not realizing that you look forlorn, Nirmala aunty from the house across from you will brighten your day up with her smile. Shantha aunty from nearby will make you feel safe, because she'll drop by to see how you are doing. I began comprehending people's need to live with other people. Having it all on your shoulder can be terrifying. And while the privacy is brilliant, the fact that you are all alone by yourself with an entire house to yourself, can be a little, well, freaky, I think the word is. I found out that to adult, there needs to be a safe-house, where you know you can just take off to, if/when s**t hits the roof. Also, that one person, who you can go crib to endlessly about having to run a house. Oh there is one more thing you just can't do without - written down recipes that your mom dictated, teaching you how to make rasam and sambar and mor kolamb. 

Probably, a month later, I won't crib as much, or feel so overwhelmed, but I'm willing to bet, that atleast for another decade, I'm not quite going to get the hang of this. 

This I write, while hoping that the next time I feel like writing in here, my power hasn't gone off because I forgot that electricity was a commodity we had to be thankful for, in cash. 

beef ban? is that all it is?

“Moving onto the section of what has been banned in India today, state x has banned the right to freedom of thought - forget expression - and any pretense of equal rights for all. State y has banned sensibility.”

This is a generic gist of what news sounds like, right now. There have been many controversial bans that have made respective communities/sympathizers up in arms trying to drive some sense into the perpetrators of the ban. I’m not going to talk about the political or monetary gain that these perpetrators enjoy, or about what is evidently going to climax into India being the country of the ‘hindus’ and all the consequences that’ll be derived from it.  Beef ban. Appropriately offensive to everybody but one community? Yes. But that’s not all. When the President finally signed a bill that had been pending for twenty whole years for good reason, did anybody consider entire sections of Maharashtra whose quality of life would take a big hit as a result of it?

The slaughtering of cows and calves had been banned way back in 1976, under the Animal Preservation (amendment) Bill, but buffalo, bull and bullocks were still a huge source of business, both export and import, for a large section of society. Thirty-three operational abattoirs, many more illegal slaughterhouses, and a lot of independent slaughterers all came to a halt on March 4, this year. The estimated revenue loss, due to beef ban, is a whopping 10,000 crores. These are numbers that show you how horrible the effects of this entirely unnecessary ban are.

Beef has always been the cheapest meat available in India. Hence this featured, whenever possible, in a large number of households. Since widely available beef meat has now disappeared off the market, the demand for other meat rises. And this automatically calls for a surge in its pricing. Where does this leave the people who aren’t upper middle class? With all the expenses that an average middle class family faces, meat is going to be another rarity in their lives. And the poor, well, when have we ever really considered the effect of religious fanaticism on them?

There are muslims, Christians, other minorities and even multiple sects of hindus, not to mention the nonbelievers who are somehow exempt from all this, who consume beef. For the sake of one ‘majority’, when dividing people based on their religions, an important part of life of the rest has been taken away. How do I even begin to explain the significance of the qualifiers? In a ‘secular’ country like India, in a very big state, everybody has been banned from eating a particular food item, to cater to the needs of the group of people who make the claim of gomatha. Say, if in a small city, somewhere in India, where the population register shows that Muslims are larger in number, they decided to enforce the rule of no eating in public during Ramadan, do we even need to talk about the gory outcome of that?

Among a million other questions that pop up in our minds daily, owing to the claims made by right wing fanatics on national television and otherwise, one particularly disturbing one is, inspite of all claims of unity in diversity and every other related cliché, as a non-fanatic hindu, will I ever be heard or considered. Without naming names, let’s just say that this question was the beginning of the end for a lot. Beef ban is a life choice an irrationally opinionated bully made for everybody, and gomatha, is their entirely absurd excuse.

weddings and marriages

Social media is increasingly becoming a promising source of manic reaction-inducing content. I look around me, at my ‘friends’, and I see high-resolution pictures, one after the other, of them getting hitched. Or hooked. Noose around the neck. Taking the plunge (…), or any of those wonderful euphemisms for it.

I am 22, so you can probably understand my consternation at this. When the opening act of the series happened, I figured it was societal pressure, commitments, etc. Then came another one, and then another one, till it became an all too common occurrence.

I would have loved to say that this was not restricted to any one geopolitical setting, but it unfortunately is. The beautiful land of the literate, the leftists, and the beef-eaters. Except for exactly one of those husband and wife pictures that had me hyperventilating, every other one belonged to a mallu. And figuring out their native root wasn’t a toughie, because of all the yellow. The girl is covered from head to a little below the waist in yellow. Blinding, heavy, expensive, yellow. The arrangement of hundreds of chains, in increasing order of their lengths, the waist band, the rings, the earrings, the armlets, the intricate network of yellow that connects your ear to your head to your hair, and everything else, so wonderfully done, exactly the way we see them in jewelry shop ads, on tv! Except instead of a board or banner that proclaims the name of the brand, it is her face.

So what, precisely, does one achieve from this display? Exactly when did this become classy?

Is display of wealth the intention? Then why don’t you just handover a huge block of gold to the groom, in the presence of the wedding guests? Yes, I am implying that what is done now is only as classy and cultured and civilized as this is. Oh by the way, this alternative saves you a whole lot of making charges!

Just some stats that I came across recently: in the financial year of 2011-2012, around 250000 kilos of gold was bought, in Kerala. And on an average, a new jewelry shop opened once every seven days. I am just going to let that sit there.

It is a common Indian practice to overshoot weddings. Each one’s has to always be a step above what they can actually afford. Everybody wants magnificent weddings, each wedding almost happens with a secondary intention of breaking some sort of a record.  All your life’s worth goes into investing in this. And you even measure your status and standing in your respective societies, on the basis of the spectacle that you arrange for. Is it any wonder that parents frown upon the concept of remarriages? Can you imagine the financial strain they will be put through? I am aware that I am belittling the situation. But we cant deny the fact that all this adds to the social pressure, or ‘obligation’ the girl would experience, when she tries breaking away from a relationship that doesn’t suit her, or even one that hurts her.

It is time that we stop focusing on making weddings the highlight of our lives. A marriage is enough pressure on its own. Creating a meaningful emotional, physical, and spiritual connection, developing the ability to compromise, knowing how to give in and how to respect, and preparing yourself for the onset of a whole lot of fun, is what you should be doing. Destination weddings, mounds of gold, excellent food, and the biggest guest list are all of no importance, and honestly, of no real significance. This is one of those cases when we can say that it is nothing but abject materialism, to consider otherwise. Though, yes, a lot of those instincts are society-instilled in us.

To all of my friends who still give me the jitters, here’s wishing you a wonderful married life, and here’s hoping that when it is your chance to organize the wedding, you make a difference.